No one ever wants to face the harsh reality that your partner may not be attracted to you anymore. With this feeling, also brings the feeling of rejection and sadness. But, don’t get too down on yourself just yet. First, we need to look at what went wrong and when in order to figure out if this is a problem that can be solved or not and what your potential solutions might be.
Why Is He Not Attracted to Me Anymore?
In order to answer this question, we must first look back at the inception of your relationship. How did you two end up together in the first place? Was it a one night stand? Did you get married because of a pregnancy? Was it an arranged marriage?
Whatever the case may be, you need to first start with this part. And then you need to ask yourself (and be honest here), were we ever attracted to each other in the first place? Sometimes in marriage, (especially marriages due to a pregnancy) are not done for the right reasons. It may have seemed like the “right thing to do” at the time, but as time goes on and history is teaching us, this probably was a very bad idea, if that is the only reason you were married in the first place.
If you were initially attracted to each other, when did things change? Did you have a child together? Did you stop doing things you enjoy together? Was one of you always working or spending too much time away from home? Put your finger on when you started to feel like he wasn’t attracted to you anymore.
If on the contrary, there was massive attraction and lust in the beginning, and now you are in sex started marriage, that is another story. Usually in these type of situations, it almost always stems from both partners getting “too comfortable” taking each other for granted, and often times “letting yourself go.” Do you find you both just “go through the motions every day”. Do you ever talk about “sexy or fun” things? Or is it just the same old same old every day?
Once you realize this, you can start to “go back to the basics” and start doing the things again that made you attracted to each other in the first place. We will touch on this more later in this article, but first, I want to you decide which category you fall under, and then approach your situation accordingly.
We Married Without Knowing Each-Other Very Long
This is a lot more common than most people think. If you were in an arranged marriage or you got married because of pregnancy or maybe you were just scared to be alone. If this is you, then this can have big impact on attraction in the long run.
Part of the reason your husband may not be attracted to you anymore could be that he never really knew you from the beginning. Now that you have been together for a while, he is starting to get to know you, and he has become un-attracted to who you really are. As we all know, most people do not show their true colors at the beginning of a relationship.
What can you do about it? Firstly, you need to take about it with your husband. If you haven’t already done so, this is the first step. Ask him “what did you find the most sexy about me when we first met?” He should be able to answer this question pretty easily if there was attraction in the beginning. If there really is no solid answer, then he might not of ever “loved” you or thought you were attractive from the very beginning, and may have felt some of the same obligations you did to get married.
This is a crucial time when you need to decide if you really want to stay together or not. Depending on your age group, you may be more averse to divorce than others. But you need to decide “do I really want to live the rest of my life like this?” If the answer is no, divorce should be a serious option.
On the other hand, if you wish to stay with your partner, then you will either need to find out how you can become attractive to him again, or suffer through a sexless marriage for as long as you can bear to do so.
It Was Love At First Sight
Now, if you fall into this category, the approach is going to be a little different for you. While you will also need to re-discover what made you attracted to each other, you also need to find out if you ever really loved each other too. Often times when a couple gets together out of pure lust, they fail to ever really get to know the person they decided to marry.
So once your looks start to fade, you become overweight or not as available as you once were to your husband, the attraction can start disappear pretty rapidly. The simple fact is that, this type of relationship has no real foundation other than lust. You really cannot expect someone to still think you are as attractive as you were 10 or 20 years ago if you have not “kept up” with your looks that landed you in this relationship in the first place
Here’s what you can do in this situation. Force yourselves to have sex! Yes thats right, force it! Why force it? Because by doing it, even if both you don’t feel desire for it, it may re-ignite that initial attraction. It might not happen the very first time, but if you do this several times in a row, the results may surprise you.
Other Factors To Consider
Regardless of which category your marriage falls under, let’s take a look at some of the other reasons he may not be attracted to you anymore. These are more associated with your individual personality or behavior that can be turning him off. There are a lot of reasons, but here are some of the most common ones.
You Are Too Bossy!
Just from the headline of this paragraph, I am willing to bet that you already know if this is you or not! You are always trying to control every situation and decision that is made. You “wear the pants” in the family. If this is you, you’re going to have to decide if it’s more important to be in charge or more important to get fucked!
Most men can’t stand it when a woman is too controlling. It doesn’t matter if you still have your looks and you are “super hot” or not. What matters is that he doesn’t feel attracted to you because you are acting like “the man.”
I realize that this might be your personality type, and it can be very difficult, if not impossible to overcome for some women. But like I said, do you want to get fucked or do you want to be the boss? You decide, but just know if you choose the route of staying the boss, there is a very real chance he will never be attracted to you again, and you will have to find a man that is willing to take on a more submissive role.
You Are Too Needy
If you are the type of woman that is always asking your husband for help in every little thing, that can be a huge turn off for him. Men like women that have a balance between independence and needing them. Not too much one way or the other. If you are too independent, he will feel worthless, but if you are too needy, he will feel more like your babysitter than your husband.
Start by realizing when he gets annoyed if you ask for help with certain things. Once you know which favors you are asking for that trigger him being annoyed, then STOP! Figure out how to manage these tasks on your own, and that will be a big turn on for him. Not only will some weight be lifted off of his shoulders, but it will also make him see you as a “woman again”.
You Don’t Go On Dates Together
Part of getting too comfortable in a marriage often leads to people not doing the things with the partner that they used to love doing and enjoyed. Dating is a huge part of this. When you feel “old and boring”, it’s no surprise that your sex life may take on the same attitude.
Make it a point to have a date night once a week. It doesn’t matter if you go to McDonalds instead of some fancy restaurant. The key here is spending time together, outside the house, doing something you both enjoy.
It can be seeing a new movie, it can be playing tennis or golf together, it can be going to a new park and going for a nice walk. You know your relationship better than anyone else. So plan the date, and have fun! It is amazing how much this one thing can re-ignite some passion in a dull relationship.
You Let Yourself Go
Now I am not trying to body shame anyone here. What I am trying to do is bring up a very real and very important issue when it comes to attraction. Men are highly stimulated by the visual appearance of a woman. Not saying this is the ONLY factor at play for being attracted to a woman, but it is a good part of it.
He may never agree if you ask him about this, as he might not want to hurt your feelings. But if you know that you have let yourself go, and have gained a considerable amount of weight and stop paying attention to your looks, this can have devastating effects on attraction.
Use this as motivation to lose 20 lbs. Use it as an excuse to get a make over. Do something different to improve your appearance. Maybe even try to role-play in the bedroom, if you think he might be into it. Anything that will get him giving you “the look” again!
Find Out If There is Someone Else
If you have exhausted all of the factors above that might make him less attracted to you, then consider that he may be seeing someone else. I think most women would be able to catch on to this pretty early on, but if you have gone through the “checklist” above, and none of them are factors in your marriage, you need to find out if he is cheating.
How you find out is really up to you. You can follow him, you can hire a private investigator to follow him. You can also check up on his emails, text messages, social media etc. Word of caution here! Only do this as a last resort! Even if you know that none of the above issues are factors, that does not mean for sure that he is cheating. It just makes it a lot more likely.
But if you know that your husband is NOT THIS TYPE OF PERSON, then give him the benefit of the doubt, before prying into his privacy.
What Can I Do?
The main goal is to become more attractive to your husband again. So pretend like you are single, and 20 years old again. What would you have done then to get a man interested in you back then? I can guarantee it wasn’t talking about the weather or sitting on the couch watching sitcoms together.
No, it was making sure you always look beautiful for him. It was wearing sexy outfits and nice perfume to get him noticing you and thinking about you, even when you aren’t around.
This is the direction you need to be going if you want to spice it up again. There is no shortcut unfortunately. You need to start thinking outside the box. Even go as far as suggesting watching porn together while you have sex or introducing sex toys. Give each other a massage with essential oils. WHATEVER IT TAKES!
What If None of This Works?
If you are at the point where you have tried to do everything you feel like you can possibly do to revive his interest in you, consider moving on. I know no one wants to put divorce on the table as an option, but it may be your only real chance at being happy again.
Being in a sexless marriage can be miserable, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone! You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have a man that desires you. Don’t be afraid to start over with someone new. It may not seem like an ideal choice now, but a few years down the road, you will be happy you did.
Just make sure not to repeat the same mistakes as your first marriage, so you don’t go through all of this hassle, struggle and misery to only end up back at square one. Nobody likes splitting up, but it may be your only shot at having sex again and feeling wanted by another man. Sure you could just cheat, but we don’t recommend that here at Miami Sexpert, as that usually only ends up making a bad situation worse.
I know we went into quite a bit of detail here on this topic. So if you feel like I missed anything or would like to add something to this to help any other woman out there who thinks their husband is not attracted to them anymore, feel free to leave a comment. This is a difficult subject to get through and the more help and input we get from each other, the better.